Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
