I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
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I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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