I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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