R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
