i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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