so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
