how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize