I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We had to coat check the pizza.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
