I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
