Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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