I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
