I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
