i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
