this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Randomize
