what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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