I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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