You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
