you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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