I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
