So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
