Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
