Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
