You can't special order awesome
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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