My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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