I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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