i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
