How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
