yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
