I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
