he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
