i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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