What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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