your room smells of hookers.
And success
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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