So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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