she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
