Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
