i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Oh god it's open bar.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
