how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
