So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
