Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
