Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
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i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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