Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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