remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
