matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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