I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
