um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
