And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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