I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
