i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
