if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
