video games are the ultimate cock blocker
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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