one two three fourrrrnication!
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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