I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
