I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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