between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
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Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
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Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days